1. Drop the Beat.
Seriously, just drop it. Rapping. Can we not? I know this is a thing and it can be funny, but 90 percent of the time no one can understand what you’re actually saying. The only thing worse than listening to a muffled speech for three minutes… is listening to someone try and sing a muffled speech for three minutes.
2. Wedding Roast
Embarrassing stories are definitely a no-no. This is a TOAST, not a ROAST. This includes, but is not limited to, anything involving an ex, any story that starts with “We were so drunk…” and really just anytime the couple’s relationship wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows.
3. Hold the Sauce
Leave the “gettin’ lit” to the candles. I feel like this rule is pretty self-explanatory, and yet, seems to be a frequent issue. People get nervous about giving speeches in public and turn to their trusty friend Andre (or Jack/Jim/Jose) for support. Breaking rule No. 3 is a good indication you will break numerous other rules on this list and on behalf of all brides everywhere, just wait until your speech is over to dive into the sauce.
4. Keep it Short
I find this rule being broken the most at weddings. Don’t even bother giving a speech longer than three minutes... by that point the only people still paying attention are the bride and groom – and honestly you can just text it to them later.
5. Keep it Sweet
You might think it’s in good humor... and it really might be, but this is not the time to point out your friend is “marrying up,” “good luck with the in-laws” or that “you never thought this day would actually come.” Insulting the couple (or anyone in attendance) at a wedding is not funny to anyone and will probably lead to your head being cut out of any wedding pictures hanging in their future home. This rule is often broken when rule No. 3 is not being followed. Honestly, most of these are probably broken if rule No. 3 is not being followed. FOLLOW RULE NO. 3!
6. Reading Allowed
This is really true for any speech, wedding related or not. A wedding toast should be sentimental and straight from the heart. I suggest you practice from a sheet of paper numerous times before reciting it to a large group of people, but trust yourself and shred the paper. The only exception: IF YOU DIDN’T FOLLOW RULE NO.3. If you are impaired: read, don’t improvise.
Now that I’ve taken all the fun out of giving a wedding toast, go thaw your heart of ice and tell your friends how much they mean to you (in three minutes or less).